One of the Most Destructive Forces on Earth

Now, the title probably led you to believe that you would be reading about one of the usual destructive forces – hurricanes; tornadoes; men who are not handy, but think they are. If that's what you want to read about, stop here and go to weather.com or ask your husband to fix something. You may also have thought you might read about a serious mental health issue, some modern-day plague for the mind. And, while there are plenty of those, I'm not writing about that either. So, feel free to stop here if that's what you were looking for and head to the nearest airport to people-watch.

No, I have decided that one of the most destructive forces on Earth are insecure women (if you fall into that category, you'll definitely want to stop reading here and jump right to posting a passive-aggressive, catty comment instead). Don't get me wrong. Insecure men pose their own dangers, but to give credit where credit is due, most of them do not seem compelled to take it out on other men. They're usually content to find an escort service to boost their self-esteem. Or, in the case of Tiger Woods, playmates and "hostesses" will do the trick as well.

But, insecure women are different. Insecure women only know how to handle their rampant inadequacy in one way... by targeting other women, almost always the ones who inadvertently fuel their inferiority complex. Unfortunately, almost anything can fuel these complexes, from the “other women" lucking out with a good hair day to their hard work being rewarded with a promotion. We've all seen it happen, but what we may not have noticed is what a variety of “other women” are targeted. Some are targets because they're prettier. Some are targets because they're smarter. Some are targets because they make more money or stand up for themselves or others and some because they are well-traveled or more educated. Some are even targeted because they have a partner or children or a well-kept house. All these things and many, many more threaten an insecure woman... they're the common denominator, or more accurately, their feelings of inadequacy are. Which means they don't have to be selective about their targets, as any woman they perceive as threatening (i.e. all women except insecure ones) will do. They also don’t have to work at forming healthy friendships because an insecure woman will always gravitate to another insecure woman until they have their own little clique to complain to and to plot with… until one of them turns on another for their own survival because, well, she’s insecure. Think Lord of the Flies crossed with The Real Housewives.

By the way, I probably should make sure it's clear about what I mean by "insecure." It will be easier to start with what I don't mean first. Insecure does not refer to the women who ask themselves, "Can I do better?" or "How can I improve myself?" Those are driven, goal-oriented women, not insecure women. And, it doesn't refer to women who have everyday passing thoughts like, "I wish I were thinner," or "I wish my boobs were bigger," or "I wish I worked full-time," or "I wish I could stay home with my kids." Those are the types of thoughts most women sometimes have that show we're human and sometimes we wish for more, even when we recognize that what we have is pretty good. No, an insecure women is one for whom the questions are about entitlement, "Why don't I have what she has?" instead of self-examination or the wishes become about taking things away from others instead of trying to attain them yourself. That is insecure... when you lack so little of your own self-worth and self-awareness that instead of trying to bring yourself up, you only try to bring others down.

I'll share an example from my own experience. And, while I’d love to be able to tell you I was targeted because I am all the things I described earlier, I would be lying through my teeth. I’m just a “regular Jane,” with talents and faults and triumphs and failures like the rest of the human race. But, I am not insecure, which means I may as well paint a bulls-eye on my back (because insecure women never attack from the front).

When I began my current job, an insecure woman who is the wife of a close friend of my ex-husband was completing an internship at the same agency. This is a woman who struggles with her weight and has a “keeping up with the Jones’” complex that had driven her and her banker husband into near-bankruptcy. But, most importantly, this woman wanted the job I have, which requires the degree I earned and which she has failed (repeatedly) to obtain. Now, my path never crossed with hers at work and certainly not outside of work, as I had been divorced almost two years by that point. Yet, this woman told anyone who would listen (yes, you guessed, other insecure women) the story of my marriage and divorce, despite the fact that she had no idea what went on in that story because she was not part of it. But, fiction is more fun anyway, so by the time she was done, I looked like some cross between High Maintenance Barbie and Charlize Theron in Monster. I wish I could tell you some of the exact quotes, but insecure women only talk behind your back and I didn’t care enough to investigate since this had nothing to do with my job… or so I thought.

Unfortunately, there are two kinds of people who go into mental health – those with a desire to help others and those who have serious problems of their own (and I would say it is pretty equally divided). It also appears that a fair number of those with problems are insecure women (kind of obvious) and I had the misfortune of stumbling into a nest of them. Now, one would think that women who have a rewarding job like mine, one that pays well and lets you off on federal holidays, and also requires an advanced degree, would not be so insecure… but you’d be wrong. The real irony of insecure women is that they could choose to be secure, but they don’t or can’t or won’t and so destruction is inevitable. So, I spent six months being criticized and/or ostracized by women who disliked me for the following reasons (I am not making this up): 1) I am petite; 2) I am blonde; 3) I like fashion; and 4) I like people and generally get along with them. Combine that with the gossip about “Monster Maintenance Barbie” (do you think Mattel would go for that?) and, to insecure women, I was Public Enemy #1, bumping Heidi Klum down the list.

So, what did I do? I think I did what most secure women would have done… eventually. But, first I did what people-pleasing (one of those faults) secure women do – I tried to kill them with kindness. Some highlights of this strategy included the following scenario: complimenting one woman on her skirt and having her dismiss the pleasantry by stating that she’d had it forever; then attempting to bond over that by saying how nice it is to know you can still fit into old clothes and telling her that was the sole reason for the existence of a corduroy skirt from high school taking up valuable space in my closet; which was met with the response, “Well, you won’t always stay thin you know!” And, this was a woman who was my size. Huh. Or, how about this one: Being asked by a colleague what my plans were for the weekend in front another insecure women with whom I worked; after replying nonchalantly that I had a date, but also a small mountain of laundry to conquer, I waited for him to politely ask the other woman the same question (turned out he knew better than I); when he didn’t, I brightly asked what she had planned; which led to her reply: “Picking up dog crap from my yard.” Wow. Not much to say to that which wouldn’t involve “Sorry you’ve chosen to be so unhappy.” Needless to say, I exhausted myself with the Pollyanna-routine and went the route that was best in the first place: do my job, do it well, get promoted, and get the hell away from the whole group.

Sadly, I forgot that insecure women exist in many, many places including the following: the party I attended last year with two male friends and their respective girlfriends, one of whom chatted away with me and the other who refused to speak to me; or how about the woman who disliked me 20 years ago because I was chosen over her daughter in a particular situation, and who recently managed to criticize me on a friend’s FaceBook page after she saw a comment I had posted; or, unfortunately, at work again, just yesterday. The one from yesterday was particularly bad because it involved the worst of the worst: 1) an insecure woman who pretended to be friends, right up until I got something at work she wanted (never mind that I earned it); and 2) the revelation that insecure women can manage to feed off other insecure women over space and time (seriously 20 years later there’s a comment on FB), so that the story told by a pathetic, now unemployed, insecure intern and passed along to continuously self-loathing insecure former co-workers more than a year and a half ago can pop back up with a jealous current co-worker. I’m hoping that at least my legend has grown and I have a superpower that I use for evil as part of the story. Actually, what I’m really hoping is that this means I’ll be promoted again in about six months and really piss them off.

And, while that would be great, I have found something I don’t have to wait on, a lesson. Experiences like these, along with age and the insight of women far wiser than me, finally taught me that it isn't about me, it's about them. That no matter how friendly, polite, gracious, or sincere I am, there are insecure women who hate me for being me... because they are not me. In fact, they are not lots of wonderful women and they hate those "other women" too. While I started off writing this for myself, it's also for all the "other women;” all the women brave enough to be themselves and strong enough to forge ahead instead of trying to pull others back. Those are the women who inspire me to keep moving forward and I am grateful to all of them.

However, I would also be remiss not to offer a thank you to those very insecure women I've written about. Thank you all for finally pushing me far enough that I was compelled to write about it and to share it, so that all the “other women" know that it's not them, it's you. Thank you for driving me to take a risk, be vulnerable, and talk openly, so everyone else may be able to recognize you for what you are... such amazing examples of pettiness and cruelty and misery that you are living public service announcements warning the rest of us how dangerous it is to be insecure. Because I forgot to mention something important at the beginning of this; while insecure women are one of the most destructive forces on Earth, they only destroy themselves. They are their own tragedies.